I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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