Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Come on in and take your pants off
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