It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
