They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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