Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
How naked do you want me to be?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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