I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
