I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
