my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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