gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
