we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm like, not good at living.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
