hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
