woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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