Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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