Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
