i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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