i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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