I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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