you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
