I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
