Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
