This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
