the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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