I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
