someone threw a dead crab at me
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Randomize
