tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
