cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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