The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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