just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
