make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
