My friends, they love my intelligence
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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