Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
he was CRYING into my vagina
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
