and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
