I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
