3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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