Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
