she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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