Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
