Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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