The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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