I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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