I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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