After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
