i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
