You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
