Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
