I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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