so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
