so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
