she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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