i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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