Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
