Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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