I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
